Where do missing zebras go?

After I got my diagnosis, I researched online about hypermobility disorders and a good deal of useful information I found was on the blogs of fellow zebras. As you read someone's blog, sometimes from years ago, and follow their story - how they were diagnosed and their journey afterwards, you get entwined with the journey at some level. You hope the best for them, you root for them. You cry for the pain they faced and find support in their trials and tribulations. You understand their views and value their insights. And then the blog ends suddenly. The last post was some years or some months ago. 

Some blogs were a few posts long, even one post long. Some wrote for a few years apparently and then stopped. I wondered about them, and sometimes enough to try to figure out from various clues on the blog who might they be, and thus be able to try to find where they might be now, and then figure out if they are alright. It does not really work, because anonymous or pseudonymous blogs, that too by a person of a different country and culture, don't offer too many clues.

I always feel the world is moving at a speed that I cannot keep up with and I am frequently late for everything under the sun. But a comrade-in-chronic-illness - a हमराही of sorts - is like someone you get used to meeting at the same time under a certain set of circumstances - online, or at a clinic, or a restaurant. And one day that person stops coming. 

image courtesy pixabay.com

When I started my blog, my ideas were very clear as to what was my aim. I knew that my blog would be information oriented and would hardly have any personal stories of my own life. I knew that sooner or later it would show up on the first page of google if people searched for hypermobility + syndrome + India, and that I hoped would lead me to discover other Indian zebras and we could swap notes and in future probably create a support platform. 

However, things did not work out as planned or as soon or as easily. Things happened in my life that changed my situation drastically. For the worse in some aspects. I developed nerve problems in my hand adding to my woes. My computer crashed. Bad things happened to people I love. My family became uprooted. And then my blog too became one of the lost bloggers. I found myself unable to even answer queries from readers, which has always been a priority (snails can have priorities too). 

There are many prisons I fight, I feel. At a personal level, I fight all the lack of liberty that comes with being a woman. At a societal level, I fight all the confining unreasonable judgmental norms that come with my culture. At an internal level, I fight myself. My brain feels caged by my body. My body feels imprisoned by my mind. Ultimately, to be free, perhaps not as free as a healthy person, not free to sprint to catch a bus (that is one of the personal goals I laid down in the assessment interviews with physiotherapists), but to be "freer", my mind must quit the job of a prison warden. I have been concentrating on that for many years, with varying degrees of success. But varying degrees of success, and not of failure. I am still alive, ain't I? 

However, an email from a chronic pain warrior suddenly brought a wisp of light into my prison. And I pulled together time, energy and hardware (all scarce resources) to write this post. And the next one that I am going to write. I truly hope my blog and my writing are only dormant and not dead. And I hope this post will be helpful to anyone who too fights chronic illness and wondered what happened to this blogger. I am alright and still fighting. In spite of my situation which is one of the harder ones I have faced in life, I am not really at the worst place of my life. I hope the Chronic Pain India site will be really helpful to people, I wish everyone associated with it the best. And I hope I will contribute to it as well. 

March, 2018
Image courtesy GDJ, pixabay.com

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please share your thoughts here